Blog #12 Revised Essay

Boundaries

All my life I dreamed of being part of a large family; either to marry into one, create one of my own, or both! I dreamed of marrying someone who had lots of sibling, sisters whom would become my new sisters, and sister-in-law’s who would become my new best friends. I imagined gathering for the holidays with everyone sitting around a large table sharing food, memories, and laughter. Being part of a large, supportive family is something I dreamed of as an adolescent.

I come from a small yet close-knit family. I have one sister, who in reality is my only best friend. My mom has only one brother who is seven years younger than her so in essence his children, my three cousins, are much younger than I am. My father, however, is the one who comes from a large family—his parents were each one of seven and although he only has one sister, she had five children of her own. Unfortunately, due to a family discrepancy we no longer have contact with my aunt and cousins, and both my grandparents on his side are deceased. When I analyze my situation I’m often disappointed. My opportunity to be part of a large family is there! I often question if the discrepancy was worth us all losing contact with half of our family. Holiday gatherings in my family tend to be small now consisting of only my family of four, my grandma, my uncle, aunt and three cousins—not the image of holidays that I had in mind.

When I met my current boyfriend in the summer of 2007 I was ecstatic. Not only was I interested in him, but also I learned that he was part of a large family just like I was in search for. His mother was one of seven siblings, all of whom had children, which provided my boyfriend with fifteen cousins. I invited the challenge of meeting all of his family members. Although it was definitely overwhelming at first I truly enjoyed getting to know everyone and become part of the family. Unlike in my family, many of his cousins were all around his age and had boyfriends and girlfriends as well, so there was always something for us to do. Together we would all go to baseball games, to see movies, or simply hangout together and have fun. I loved my new boyfriend, new friends, and new family.

Together my mom and uncle own a beach house which both of our families either takes turns visiting, or sometimes vacation at together during the summer. Because together both families only make up ten people, the house is still comfortable even if both families decide to vacation together. My boyfriend really loves coming down the shore with my family. He enjoys fishing with my dad, surfing with my uncle, and playing football on the beach with my younger cousins, where sometimes I would get bored being with my family because I felt there wasn’t much to do except lay on the beach and read by myself.

When my boyfriends entire family decided they were all going to rent a house down the shore and vacation together I was so excited! I thought of how much fun it was going to be having everyone together for vacation. All the older kids would get to go out to the clubs at night, and during the day the whole family would reserve a large spot on the beach and sit and laugh together. It was that vacation that made me quickly realize how difficult it was being part of a big family. Spending a week in a house with over thirty people was for some reason not living up to be the same image I had in mind. Unlike on my family vacations, this time not everyone had their own bedroom and comfy bed. Now people were sharing bedrooms and sleeping on air mattresses. Instead of enjoying a hot shower, everyone was fighting over who got the shower first, and you were definitely going to get yelled at if you were in there for over ten minutes! Dinner was another battle. If you weren’t first on line, you were likely to get the scraps at the bottom of the cooking pan and there were rarely enough for seconds. And if you decided you wanted to go out to dinner, everyone else would either ask to join you, or hold a grudge because you didn’t invite them, when the truth was that maybe you just wanted to enjoy a nice meal out with your partner.

By the end of the week everyone was at each other’s throats and most of the family needed the following week to cool off from one another. Girlfriends who had been around longer than me regretted to tell me that that was the typical family vacation that occurred every summer and they apologized for not warning me sooner.
I quickly began to miss my small, intimate family occasions. Although we’re small we realize that, which is why I now believe we have an even stronger support system. We never fought on family vacations but probably because there was enough room for us all to stay out of each other’s hair for a while. There was always enough food for seconds because we didn’t have to cook for as many people, and showers were always enjoyable and never rushed.

After two and a half years of being surrounded by my boyfriend’s family I started to feel disappointed, as though my childhood dream of being part of and creating a big family was a bad idea. I began analyzing what took place within their family, and thought to myself that I would never be able to survive the “revolving door” lifestyle. Looking back on the way I was raised, I could never accept someone walking into my house without knocking first, or worse, doing so while my family and I were eating dinner. In my house, we don’t cook dinner assuming that any one of my family members may stop by and eat with us, and I don’t want things to be that way for me and my family either.

Finally it dawned on me; I would be able to survive the large family that I dreamed of as long as boundaries are set. The way I see it, if I were to leave my leftovers in the refrigerator regardless if my family consists of four people, or ten people, if boundaries are set, and respect is implemented my leftovers should not be eaten simply because they were left in the refrigerator which is a common ground in a household.

I realize now the pros and con’s of having both small and large families, and I think my boyfriend and I learned a lot from each other’s families as well. I would still like to have a decent size family of my own someday—not necessarily seven children, but maybe three! I appreciate my family a lot more now and am thankful to be part of both my own family, and my boyfriend’s. My goal is to raise a family the size I dream of yet at the same time teach my children and family members that my house consists of boundaries which must be respected.